caught up in circles
by beware of trips
Summary: With him, she feels normal. Like all those things in her head - the Blossoms and Thornhill and Clifford and the life that has already been chosen for her and those strange desires she knows she needs to squash - aren't there. With him, she doesn't need to pretend. With him, she feels okay.


Hal asks her to homecoming freshman year. He never says as just friends, but the implication is there. The two of them are a sight to be seen, both in braces and smiling for Mr. Cooper's camera so brightly there's a glare on the photo Hal gifts her a week later. His sister drives them and schools them in on after parties on the way there, scaring them both to death. They opt for their own after plans and end their night with milkshakes at Pops. When Hal hugs her good night, she wonders if she could ever be bold enough to kiss him.

Freshman year is a time of firsts. River Vixens for her and The Blue and Gold for Hal. Quarterly celebrations at Pops after each term is over to reward their good grades. A strawberry milkshake for her and a chocolate malt for him, both with extra whipped cream, and a plate of fries to share. Penelope eats her with a fork and Hal dips his in ketchup on the side and when they sit there for hours and talk and talk and talk, she's able to forget. Forget about the Blossoms and Thornhill and Clifford and the life that has already been chosen for her. She's able to not think about the way Hermione's gym locker is right next to hers and how the girl has no shame changing into a sports bra with everyone looking. And that pit in her stomach as she tries so hard not to glance her way. She's confused is all.

But when she's with Hal, she feels normal. Like all those things in her head - the life set out for her, those strange desires she knows she needs to squash - aren't there. With Hal, she doesn't need to pretend. With him, she feels okay.

Sophomore year she asks him to homecoming - just as friends goes without saying - only this time the new kid tags along with them. Hiram Lodge is his name. Yes, one of those Lodges. Freshly booted out of prep school and back in Riverdale for the foreseeable future. He takes one look at Hal the first day of school and declares him his new best friend. She drags Hal away several times to dance with her and sticks her nose up when he suggests she be nice and dance with Hiram at least once. Hiram is already in the process of stealing Hermione away from her date - that poor, sweet dope Fred Andrews - and doesn't look like he needs much of a pity dance. Fred might though.

She ends her night with another hug from Hal and when she closes the car door, she hears Hiram say, "Your girlfriend is something else, man."

Well, perhaps that Hiram Lodge isn't the worst after all.

Things change sophomore year. She becomes a flyer for the River Vixens and all of a sudden, she's a lot more important to the team. Hal trains to take over the Blue and Gold next year when his sister graduates. Some weekends, she goes to Pops with the cheer squad, sitting silently in the corner as Hermione always leads the conversation. Other times, after Hal gets a car for his birthday, she finds herself sandwiched in the front seat between him and Hiram at the Twilight Drive-In, plotting ways to shove Hiram out the passenger side door.

Other times though, when the stars align, she gets weekends alone with him. No cheerleading or newspapers or that thorn-in-her-side Hiram Lodge. Just her and Hal and things are back the way they used to be. Watching movies in his basement, walking along Sweetwater River, talking about everything and nothing all at once.

In two years, high school will be over and the rest of her life will begin. The life she still hasn't told Hal is set out for her. The life of being a Blossom twice over. Sometimes Clifford comes to her room at night and lounges on the armchair by her window and they talk about their future. The future neither of them is looking forward to, but know they have no say in.

"We're partners in this, Penelope," Clifford always reminds her. "At least there's that."

Partners is a nice word, she thinks. A transition word from sibling to spouse.

She and Hal start going to parties that year. Big high school parties, exactly like the ones his sister told them about. With drinking and Seven Minutes in Heaven and sex and drugs and rock and roll and Secret and Sins. Every sort of debauchery under the sun and she'd be lying if she said she didn't enjoy them.

It's at one of those parties she catches a glimpse of Hal being led upstairs by Alice Smith. Her heart sinks for a moment before she shakes it off. It was nothing, she was sure. Alice may be one of those kinds of girls, but Hal surely wasn't one of those kinds of boys.

She's wrong. It turns out Hal Cooper is exactly like every boy, easily led astray by blonde curls and nice cleavage and that shameless tongue stud.

By junior year it's Alice Alice Alice and Penelope doesn't hold her breath that she'll get a single dance at homecoming, much less a date with him.

Sierra Samuels is her assigned lab partner in Chemistry and she just knows they could be the best friends if she puts a little effort in. Sierra is smart and sweet and funny and pretty and charming and goes on and on about social justice and the issues in the world and every single day she looks forward to second period to give Sierra forty minutes of her undivided attention.

When Sierra comes in with red-rimmed eyes the Wednesday before homecoming, Penelope takes her hand and listens to her story of how her parents found out about her secret boyfriend and she was in a heap of trouble and now had a strict no boys policy and she already ripped the tags off the new dress she bought for that weekend and what a waste and -

"I'll go to homecoming with you, Sierra."

Sierra gasps but tosses her arms around Penelope's shoulders and kisses her cheek and tells her she's a lifesaver.

They take pictures at the Samuel's house and go off in Penelope's new car. They spend the entire night on the dance floor together and when Tom Keller of all people asks to steal Sierra away for a dance, Penelope somehow finds herself with Hal instead.

His breath smells of alcohol but she can't place what. Just enough to make him loosen up, he insists and she knows he's parrotting Alice's words, not his own. When the song ends, he heads back over to a crowd to find his girlfriend, but it's another hour before she can find her own date again. Sierra shows back up as the dance ends with her lipstick ever so slightly smudged. She fixes it on the car ride home and gushes about how sweet that Tommy is. She squeezes Penelope goodbye and tells her she's an amazing friend. Best homecoming date ever.

She's disappointed, but she's not surprised.

Junior year is a confusing rush of a time. She sets her sights on cheer captain next year. Whenever she hangs out with Hal, Alice is almost always on his side and she feels like the biggest third wheel. Sometimes she hangs out with Sierra after school to do homework and listen to her go on about Tommy Tommy Tommy.

She wonders if she'll ever be someone's Alice. Or someone's Tommy.

Alice breaks Hal's heart over spring break and she's there to pick up the shattered remains. Late night phone calls and long conversations at Pops and talk about everything that was wrong with him and right with Alice and how he didn't deserve her. Penelope holds his hand and props him up and all those feelings she thought she left behind come rushing back full force.

It's a blessing in disguise because some of those feelings may have started moving to Sierra and she'd be a dead girl walking if her parents ever discovered that.

She kisses Hal one day. Full and hard on the lips. When he responds to her, it's everything she's dreamed of for the past few years. When she tries to take it further, his politely stands down. A true gentleman, wanting to take it slow. Her heart flutters all week.

By Monday, she gets word Hermione "The Queen of Gloating" Gomez is next year's cheer captain and Alice Smith and Hal Cooper have gotten back together. Oh happy days.

Clifford listens to her cry. Tells her she's so much better than Hermione, tells her that Hal is clearly an idiot for chasing slutty Southside girls. He tells her to have fun senior year when he goes off to college. Have fun while she still can. They both should.

Hiram Lodge of all people asks her to senior homecoming. Just as friends, they both say, and he may not be much, but he's better than no date. He buys her a corsage and picks her up in his dad's Cadillac and holds the door open for her and she's pleasantly surprised.

Neck and neck to win homecoming court are Hermione and Fred verses Alice and Hal and with a wink, Penelope realizes she and Hiram aren't all that different. She votes for Hal and Hiram votes for Hermione. They put aside their bitterness for one night, wishing happiness on those they can't be with.

Hal and Alice win and dance stiffly in front of the school in a way that's so unlike them. Hal's smile is forced and Alice's makeup is smudged and Hiram encourages her to steal a dance with Hal when she gets the chance, only she never does. He and Alice disappear just after and no one sees Hal for a week. No one sees Alice for five months.

Hal becomes a zombie senior year without his loud, crass girlfriend by his side. She watches his grades slip, watches him come to school with red eyes and she can never decide if he's high or sleep deprived.

Her eighteenth birthday is the day after Halloween and she doesn't get as much from a smile from him. Hermione takes her to Pops instead and when Hal causally comes up in conversation, Penelope changes the subject. She's done with her one-sided friendship.

Senior year goes by in a flash. She spends her Saturday nights crossing the river to Greendale and spends more than one occasion riding in cars with boys. A pretty blonde girl with a funny name (something with a Z she swears) chats her up at one of these parties after she's had three Tom Collins and asks if she wants to get out of there. Penelope giggles fiercely, but when the girl leans in to kiss her, she loses her nerve and runs away. She cries in a bathroom instead and splashes water on her face to sober up.

She wants to be true to herself, but she doesn't even know what her true self is.

Alice returns to school and becomes the talk of the town again, but her chin stays up. She clings to Hal's side and Penelope sees her old friend return to his former self. He smiles at her in the hallway, but she doesn't give him more than a quick wave. She doesn't have much time left, but it's just as well.

She accepts an invitation to prom with some boy she's never exchanged more than ten words with. He's dull but he's cute at least and he winds up ditching her halfway through the night.

A Cyndi Lauper song comes on and before she knows it, Hal is tapping her on the shoulder. His eyes plead with her and she nods and accepts his hand. For old time sake.

He talks a mile a minute even though they're slowly swaying back and forth. He's sorry. He misses her. He and Alice are going to school in Boston, leaving by August. He's horrified. He's excited. He's all smiles. But what about you, Pen?

Highsmith College, naturally. She answers his questions politely. She wishes him the best of luck. She assures him she'll miss him too.

The song ends, but when she pulls away he keeps his hands on her waist.

"I am so sorry, Penelope."

She leans up and kisses his cheek. She can tell him then and there about the wedding at the end of summer. About how the rest of her life will play out. About how these are her last few months of freedom and she needs to enjoy them in any possible way, even if with just a friend. She desires to do something big before school ends, but she doesn't know what.

She says nothing though. There's no point. She's never actually had any freedom.


End file.
